I’m finally over John. We talked it out, and I got closure from our non-relationship. I’m back in the game! So, I did what all girls newly freed from their feelings do… I texted my ex. Counterintuitive? Nope. My ex (let’s call him Nick) and I were together the summer before we came to Poly (we’re both second years), and was one of my best friends. Nick is funny, smart, hotter than hell, and the sweetest guy I’ve ever dated. Anyways, we had been talking for a bit, and then he invited me to his fraternity’s pledge pinning party. I eagerly accepted, as one of my WOWies is pledging the same fraternity and asked me to come. Here’s how the night played out.
The following timeline is super thorough, so if you don’t feel like reading it all (it’s really not that funny, sorry), there’s a summary of the whole shitshow at the end.
Pledge Pinning: A Timeline
6:52 PM: I complain to Nick about having to wear heels.
6:53 PM: Instead of being productive, I check Twitter/Insta/every other social network.
7:02 PM: Finally start getting ready.
7:05 PM: Burn hand on curling iron.
7:17 PM: Swears at hair for not behaving.
7:32 PM: Gives up on hair and begins doing make up.
7:37 PM: Spills liquid eyeliner EVERYWHERE.
7:45 PM: Hassels roommate/best friend about not being on time.
7:51 PM: Roommate makes shitty Pina Coladas instead of getting ready.
8:03 PM: My Makeup is half-assed but finished, I guess.
8:07 PM: Tries on dress, looks in mirror “shit.”Realizes there’s deodorant stains on dress. Gets call from friend “hey are you guys ready? Our ride is leaving in like two minutes.” “Oh yeah we’re totally ready, give us thirty seconds.”
8:15 PM: Successfully removed deodorant stains. Roommate isn’t ready, taking shots instead.
8:20 PM: Ride leaves without us.
8:27 PM: We realize ride has left without us, roommate and I remove our heels to walk to the pre game house. We don’t want to bring purses, so we decide shoving my apartment key into our flower pot after we lock the door is an acceptable alternative. There is no way this can end poorly.
8:31 PM: We walk 500 feet “what are we doing, we’re so fucked.” I can feel my hair getting flat/frizzing.
8:46 PM: We make it to the pre game.
8:57 PM: First cup of jungle juice: check. Cue slightly buzzed feeling.
8:59 PM: I see my WOWie, we begin dancing. He gets me another drink.
9:03 PM: WOWie returns, I introduce him to my roommate and our other friends. He then gets iced by an active.
9:11 PM: Dancing continues. Second drink done. I am drunk. Jungle juice is strong.
9:23 PM: First bus to the downtown venue arrives. We do not get on bus.
9:47 PM: Second (and last) bus arrives. We miss both.
9:52 PM: Somehow we make it back to our street. There is another fraternity party nearby that we head to.
9:57 PM: I text John “hiiiiiii.” No response.
10:07 PM: We finally arrive at strange fraternity party, even though it is just down the street. I am not entertained. I want to hook up with boy(s).
10:14 PM: I text John again “oh wait yikes I didn’t mean to text you.” I surprisingly make no typos, so I decided that this calls for champagne.
10:32 PM: Roommate confiscates the personal bottle of champagne I’ve been carrying around the party because “I am really drunk and can no longer walk in my heels.”
10:37 PM: I slap the bag to spite her.
10:39 PM: John finally replies “no worries! It’s all good.”
10:40 PM: I decide “killing the drunk texts rn, I look soooo hotttyttytt” is an appropriate response. John does not text back.
10:42 PM: There are no hot boys at this party. I’m not sure where my left shoe disappeared to. They are roommate’s favorite heels. I cannot let her find out.
10:43 PM: I need to hook up with someone.
10:46 PM: I decide to text Nick “hi hook up with me.”
10:48 PM: Nick does not respond. I am impatient. I double-text “but actually.”
10:50 PM: I magically find my left shoe in the bathroom. Dear god I don’t believe in, please don’t ever make me go into a frat house bathroom sober. There’s no way I could do this if I wasn’t hammered.
10:52 PM: We leave strange frat party with about fifteen other people that we kind of know.
10:53 PM: He replies “I’m near *my street name* are you home?”
10:56 PM: I reply “yes, no one’s home” as I’m standing outside my apartment with said fifteen other people. Where is my key? Chaos ensues.
11:02 PM: Nick arrives, and sees a small army of sloppy drunk people outside my apartment. I am looking for the key in the flower pot. He is stone cold sober, and thankfully thinks the drunk disaster is amusing.
11:05 PM: I find the key after basically overturning the flower pot. Oops.
11:06 PM: The drunk mob invades the apartment.
11:38PM: Everyone except Nick finally leaves. There is a 40 on our kitchen table that definitely wasn’t there before.
11:39 PM: He kisses me against a wall. We then go upstairs.
11:43 PM: I’m straddling him, he feels me up.
11:45 PM: “You brought a condom, right?” “No.” “ARE YOU KIDDING? I literally texted you telling you I want to hookup.” “Oh, sorry.”
11:46 PM: He takes off my shirt. I’ve really missed Nick.
11:52 PM: I start giving him head.
11:57 PM: He grabs my hips AND STARTS EATING ME OUT. I realize that we’re 69ing.
11:59 PM: He is really good at this.
12:07 PM: Why did we end things again?
12:09 PM: Wait, no, don’t stop.
12:14 PM: Hooking up with exboyfriends is the fucking shit.
12:32 PM: And we’re done.
12:33 PM: He doesn’t want to spend the night, right? Sharing a twin bed sucks and he’s a total cover hog.
12:34 PM: No no no no don’t try to cuddle with me.
12:35 PM: I decide to be heartless “ummm you have a ride home, right?”
12:36 PM: YES he dialed his frat’s sober driver.
12:36 PM: “He’ll be here in fifteen minutes, is that cool?” Fifteen minutes. Ugh, cue awkward pillow talk.
12:37 PM: “How was your day?” I fucking hate my life.
12:37 PM: I respond with something lame and stupid involving Forever 21 and pumpkin patches #basic.
12:41 PM: Do not ask me what classes I’m in this quarter.
12:43 PM: He asks me about midterms. I respond “yeah, they’ve been going really well.” Lies. I got a 67% on my Managerial Accounting exam Wednesday. I’m a business major, why do I have to take accounting?
12:45 PM: Jesus Christ we’ve literally exhausted every topic possible. I’m just going to lay here and try to shut down his spooning attempts.
12:47 PM: God dammit, I fucking hate spooning. This is so uncomfortable.
12:51 PM: *Nick’s phone rings* THANK FUCKING GOD HIS RIDE IS HERE. Let the awkward fumbling for clothes begin.
12:54 PM: I walk Nick downstairs, give him my charming smile, and lock the door. FINALLY I’M ALONE.
1:06 PM: I pass out, and have pretty much the best sleep of my life.
Okay, sorry for the extensive timeline. Basically, I went to the party, got really drunk off like two cups of jungle juice, somehow got back to my apartment, hooked up with my exboyfriend, and then made him leave so I didn’t have to share my bed.
Rebound complete. I could not be better.