That’s what was in my red cup the night we met for the first time. It was January, and I was lying in bed cuddling with my best friend. I got a text from your floor mate (I had a massive crush on him at the time, let’s call him Sam) inviting me to a party. After frantically dragging my friends out of the dorm, we made it to the parking lot where we were to meet. We walked over to the apartment where the party was, me trying to flirt with Sam and not noticing the lack of reciprocation. We finally arrived to the apartment party. When I finally started talking to you, I was already extremely intoxicated. You told me you had a car and a girlfriend, and I think I teased you for the latter. We talked for ages, and really hit it off. It made me happy. I told you that we were going to be best friends, and not drunk best friends, but actual best friends. I told you that this was real. I put my number in your phone, and that’s when it all started.
Our first drunk texts, then doing stats homework together every Monday, then you heroically picking me up from parties when I was too drunk to walk home, then tipsy snapchats, then me sleeping in your bed (without you in it). Then me twitter stalking your girlfriend. It’s fine. I can’t put into words how shitty it is to like a boy who has a girlfriend. Especially when you’re good friends. Each time I got a snapchat or a text from him, l felt my heart skip a beat (pardon the cliche, I know they’re awful). I miss the margarita nights, the drunk texts, the hungover library days, the midnight VGs trips where I would tell you about the boy I thought I liked and you would tell me about the girlfriend you didn’t love anymore. I miss looking right into your eyes as you said this, studying each adorable freckle on your slightly crooked nose.
I remember saying our goodbyes for the summer a little over a month ago. You were standing outside the door to my building and you gave me the biggest hug, told me not to be a stranger, and wished me luck in LA. I watched you walk away, and as I went back up the stairs it hit me— I really really really cared about you. I sat on the floor of my dorm room and let my roommates console me. It was over. You hadn’t even left yet, but I missed you so so so much. Yeah, we snapchat from time to time, but it isn’t the same as seeing you everyday. You complete me, and I miss being around that. I really did think that we would be perfect for each other.
But it’s time to rip off the bandaid for good. I need to grow up. It’s time to channel all the energy I’ve spent thinking about you into bettering myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I deserve to be happy, and I need to let myself move on. Life is better on the positive side of things, and maybe one day something will happen between us. If not, then so be it. But just in case…
May 19th, 10:23 PM.